The Mulats: Tales of Interest: July 2007

There has been some major lagging on the posting as of late. It's really fucked up and we apologize to Forrest because, as of current, you are the only person who gives the slightest cunt hair of a care about what we are posting.

Our sluggish demeanor of moving at a snails pace regarding these slow posts aside, we did something a couple weeks ago that might make up for it, and also warrants all the snail references.

One day, while glued to his monitor, Marduk took a break from trolling porno sites to see if any of the girls went to our high school and combed the nether regions of ebay listings (we call it ebay's nuts). What Marduk discovered is that, among the vast number of people avoiding legitimate employment that make up ebay's selling community, a person is selling the most atrocious of products for a measly $5 American--canned escargot.

With the single digit figure burning a hole in Cleveland Indian #1's bank card, said can of snails was purchased and en-route from god knows where (probably Canada) to the reverse utopia that is the San Jose Gardens. What were our intentions for the contents of this boarder-crossing can? Exactly what God intended...consumption.

That's right. We planned to eat snails out of a can that was bought from ebay. A good idea in theory, as far as comedic purposes and bragging rights are concerned, but in application, it joins the ranks of the XFL, making Dead or Alive into a movie, and tossing salad as a bad idea (but without the repercussions of financial ruin, public ridicule, or human feces in your mouth).

Before the story continues, this guy or girl on ebay didn't just have a can of escargot taking up space in his or her Canadian kitchen cupboard, blocking room for more powdered gravy (they love that shit). This person has repeatedly posted the same brand of escargot every couple of weeks. Check it out, it might be up right now.

Being born and raised in the 2nd greatest country on Earth (we call it Urff), from taste to digestion, we, the mulats, are not physically equipped with whatever we be equipped with to handle the consumption of these canned mollusks. Likewise, none of the races we consist of have dietary obscurities that go past pulpo, Spanish for octopus. So we had to prepare with the following:

But further preparation was needed, and we all got our vices, to each his own, whatever floats your boat, ties your shoe, tickles your pickle, and all that other cliche shit which means Do watcha like.

How Foul-Mouthed Kingpin got prepared:

How Black Carl got prepared:

How Snaggletooth got prepared: He played video games

After our stomachs were coated, we debated on exactly how these things should be prepared. Marduk wanted to search for recipe's online, but that would no doubt lead him to suicidegirls.com, thus negating any further progress in our pending adventure. So Blackula so adamantly, and with a lot of f-words thrown in, insisted that the snails be boiled for maximum texture preservation, or as he put it, "So them shits taste gross, yo."

So all obliged, and the snails were then boiled, strained and served up for the bravest of souls. The first to plunge his palette into all that boiled snails out of a can have to offer was Way2Nykk:

This right here is the face of victory.

But...before Nykk choked down that thing, he lurched over the sink and almost threw up, causing him to make one of the funniest faces I have seen in a while, which inevitably caused me to laugh so hard, something inside my chest made a weird sound and I fell to the ground in pain and laughing.

It took me a while to get up because I was still laughing the whole time (I was kinda drunk too).

Next up was the blood sucking brother himself, Blackulicious Bej.

My laughter at the plight Nykk's stomach was ill placed, as I went through the same harrowing experience of digesting one of these damn things.

The rubbery texture was almost welcomed in my hand, as the feeling was foreign to me, taking me back to a childhood memory of touching the sealife at the tide pools. But with most moments of reminiscence, the fleeting moment of joy was replaced by the reality that life is a bitch with mean jokes (I got stung by a jellyfish at the tide pools that day).

The boiling process wasn't as thorough as I imagined it should be, being that there wasn't an even consistency of cooked flesh on the snail, leaving a small sack of fluid and the top part of the back, probably around where the shell would've covered, that is an unwelcome gush of what I can only imagine a mixture of pus and sea lice taste like. Add in that the taste of the flesh itself was somewhere between dirty rubber and malnourished poultry, it was some nasty shit.

But with the assistance of beer and King Jaffe the A-Hole chanting "Chew, chew, chew," I soldiered through, muscled through the gag reflex, and after lurching forward over the sink in Nykk-like fashion, I swallowed the snail. Hence, the "I'm okay" look on my face with requisite hand gesture for further assurance.

Next was Zamunda's own, Kayn, who pretty much had the same experiences as we did, except with one skill that Nykk nor I possessed. He was born with the advanced facial structure and muscle configuration to make the funniest faces when eating something gross.

All expressions of "guaaaarrrrhhrhrhrgH" aside, success.

So with the first round done, we were all tired. This was the digestive equivalent of running a marathon, with fatigue setting in. But after a quick rest, our balls got big again, and this idea went from bad to worse.

I kept insisting that we one-up each snail eating round by mixing the snails with other food. Kayn of African Royalty went the easy route and fried his in butter. Being that this is somewhat the typical way to cook escargot, we didn't approve, but he does what he wants and we aren't serious enough about this to stop him. However, the temperature factor was an issue for him and would be in the next round as well. On top of the nasty taste, his face was retching as he kept saying "It's too hot!"

But he made it (note the hand gesture again).

Marduk put his snail in a piece of leftover sushi (big up to Whole Foods). Kayn and I were disapproving of this because I'm sure there is some type of role out there that is exactly this. But, as a lover of all things edible, he didn't want to damage his taste buds doing something crazy.

He ate it with ease.

Blackula had the worst idea of them all. I'll let the picture do the talking.

Due to King Jaffe's lack of SLR experience, the pictures of this epic moment came out blurry, but what happened was that after chomping the top half, i chewed the shit out of the snail/hostess cake in my mouth, trying to overcome the torrent of bad taste in my mouth...to no avail. These two tastes do not go together. I spit out the nastiness, but felt like less of a man. There was still the bottom half of the cupcake left, so I shoved another snail deep into the whipped cream part and shoved it in my mouth, drank some beer, and chewed until everything was swallowable.

Another resting period was required after this gastric lap derby. Moral was wavering, Kayn and I knew that out of the 30 snails left, we could each only handle one more round. Nykk was done, expressing his self hatred for his idea. But with the guarentee that I would do something horribly nasty in return for his participation, he would have one more go.

Nykk, the pussy, covered his with parmesan and ate it. The only gross factor is that it looked like it was covered in dandruff.

Kayn got braver this time and put his in pistachio ice cream. He said the snail cut through the sweetness and makes both foods equally unpleasant. Also, with a mouthful, he kept saying, "It's so Cold!"

But He didn't finish the job he started.

My deal with Nykk was that if he ate one more snail, I would take a shot of vodka, orange pulp, and chopped snail. But the two solids didn't work well with the shotglass and the first try had me with an unexpected mouthful of vodka only. I spit that shit out.

So the pulp had to go. So with the chopped snail and warm, cheap, triple distilled smirnoff in the shotglass, I poured it in my mouth, which refused to swallow the whole thing for about 30 seconds (which seemed like a fucking lifespan).

When I finally got it down, my body was like, "Naw man, fuck you," and...well, scroll down.

That is 3 kinds of sushi, beer, chalupa, snail, half a hostess cake, and persian food I ate earlier all coming out in one rancid mixture.

Then King Jaffe went for gusto.