The Mutual Suspects

We are three baad motherfuckers. Together, we make a half black Voltron.

"Hoo da fuck iz yew?"

We are...

Craig Marduk


This mountain of a man kills for fun. Adhering to a strict regiment of making beats all day, avoiding pesky things like homework or sunlight, mastering videogames, and sticking to a diet consisting of snickers, slurpees, and fried babies, the vale tudo/final fantasy/wakeboarding/musical legend has conquered great feats in his time on this earth, like beating the shit out of Shrek, killing Armored King, winning the world napping championship (79 hours), conquering every sport he has ever been involved in, and having sex with a pig (that's pig with a K). When he steps in a room, the theme from the movie "The Last Dragon" starts playing. He's faster than Bruce Leroy, hope you can bite the bullet.

In his off-time from exuding greatness on the Western Hemisphere, he travels to Asia, where he is the most in demand diving-flipper model to ever grace the eastern soil.

Another likely version of this mythical man that only few have had the fortune(or lack thereof) to encounter is the following image.



Also Known As: Nykk, BeatNykk, Marduk, Mardeezy, Way2Nykk, Football Nykk, Yetti, Nykk the bubble, the Cleveland Indians Mascott.

King Jaffe Joffer


The king of Zamunda has retired and lives in his 8-level loft in the heart of Mexico City. Although not fluent in Spanish, his presence alone demands that all surrounding entities inanimate or otherwise bend to his will, or be broken by resisting. Hence, the Mexican government is soon to adopt Zamundese as the new official language.

However, in his old age, King Jaffe Joffer has renounced proper royal etiquette, embracing a much more lustful approach to life filled with whores, booze, GI Joes, puzzles, Legos, public urination, Day Old sushi, white women, and a constant stream of shit-talking. His favorite phrase has transitioned over time, going from "because I am king" to "I don't give a fuck!" (emphasis on the FUH). But he still goes by the mantra, "Don't you have sex with your royal bathers? I know I do."

Also Known As: Kayn, Gayn, KARB, Dogmouth, asshole, Wang Jinreh, unscupulous, Lenny from the Simpsons, the black Ted Debiasi.

Blacula


Blacula tripped and fell on a garlic slathered silver stake that happened to have the sunlight reflecting off of it (some asshole left the window open) when walking to the fridge to get a cup of Kerns Guava. To his surprise, he did not die. The sunlight shining on his perfectly sheened afro did not explode his head like he saw in the movies and was warned by his predecessors. He realized then that all the weaknesses that vampires have was all hype.

After dismembering the person that set him up (fucking mailman) he embraced the sun and spends all day scaring the shit out of people at the beach, specializing in the dry-hump (after embarrassing sessions of trial and error), giving bad advice to bad people, fighting an internet porn addiction, and working his way up to be the most feared man in journalism.

Also Known As: Bejan, Big Jon, Big Jeezy, B Jeezy, B, Big, Big Nig, Asuka, Nappy face, cable guy, Reynaldo Rio Vista, Sir Chest Hair.

This will be as epic as the stone tablets Charlton Heston brought down from Mt. Zion, more monumental than Dance Dance Revolution, more mesmorizing than Lance Armstrong bike riding on the moon.

Or maybe we just want to add our shit to the continuously growing pile of shit that is the internet.

Until next time...

---Blacula Departs