Honestly, it was Blackula's work schedule that was hemming up the program something fierce. And what Marduk and Jaffe don't get is that, when I am not scouring the earth for youtube videos, I am doing shit like this:
And this shit is crazy demanding.
Anyway, our foray into sail country had our palettes aching for the revitalizing goodness of a US food staple, the hamburger. But a mere burger, while deserving of a salute and quick hum of the first 8 bars of the national anthem before consumption, does not suffice as an edible adventure...sad but true. Well, I take it back, one could make the arguement that eating something so high in colestoral and fat, or any beef product approved for consumption by the USDA is a risk worthy of acknowledgement, but not for the mulats. Heart problems, food poisoning, Mad Cow and E. coli are mere shrubs in the edible jungle through which we aim to carve a gastric path to victory and noteriety.
Naw I'm kidding. Those things are scary as hell and food poisoning is one of life's really mean jokes that only stupid people get (blackula's had food poisoning).
But Back to the lecture at hand (word to Snoop Dogg), what to add to a burger that has not been done by a resturaunt before, and/or will not be an immediate health risk. But the answer was simple. We chase the urban legend of burgers, the idea that many have talked about with the conviction of a Hari Krishna, but few have mustered up the courage to eat...
The Donut Burger (also known as: The Luther, The Luther Burger, Baseball's Best Burger, the world's unhealthiest burger, death on a plate, yummy)
However, unlike the canned escargot, we were very ill-equipped to prepare the illustrious donut burger at the lab, which is no lab at all, but Jaffe and Marduk's barron kitchen that remains in use solely for the preparation of cerial and microwavable food. So the half-black three had to take their bullshit antics on road. This alternative proved to be a much more hassle-free way to do what we set out to do.
The first stop was to obtain the pivotal ingredient that transforms semi-truck hamburger into Optimis Prime donut burger, the donuts themselves. So made a trip to Cupertino's wayward home for nocturnal poindexters and stoners alike, Donut Wheel.
We wantd to get three, but Marduk, being the monster that he is, insisted that we get a dozen donuts. After a couple mean fat jokes from Jaffe and I, which I apologized for later (not Jaffe though, he's a dickhead) and a couple of moderately funny cheap jokes from Marduzzle, we gave in and got the pink box with 6 glaze and whatever the Napping Champion wanted.
Our next destination was the real short-cut in our preparation, as we made a stop to Sunnyvale's hub for douchebag teenagers, foreigners, families, foreign families, and the occasional couple on their way to prom (you know you've seen them):
The thought was entertained that we should actually have the In-N-Out employees prepare our burgers, but this suggestion was made over a month prior, and by Jaffe, most likely while intoxicated, all good reasons why we did not ask when we got there.
So we ordered two cheeseburgers and a double double figuring that, if we need this to be done properly, we need to do this ourselves. Preparation went as follows.
Smile Big with donut and knife in hand
Cut the donut in half lengthwise so you have two pieces of donut like so
Scrape the cheese that melted to the hamburger buns onto the donut pieces
Take one piece of bread off the burger, then flip it onto one of the pieces of donut
Lick Fingers
Then replace the other piece of bread with the other half of the donut and wallah! You're ready to give your circulatory system the finger.
Or you can go Marduk's route and negate the whole pesky "cutting the donut in half" method. It really depends on your apetite, how messy you are willing to get, and whether or not god graced you with an extra-wide mouth.
So, after our structures of conflicting flavors were built to each patron's specifications, they were ate up quick.
The taste was suprisingly a lot better than I anticipated. It was an unforseen harmony of two worlds of intertwining, resulting in something that is, dare I say, beautiful...sorta like us. The sweetness of the glazed donut was not as overwhelming as expected and the saltiness of the burger was countered by this. The only thing I advise is that you skip the ketchup and get two cups of water, one for drinking and one for cleaning your fingers after you eat.
And yeah, Nykk ate that whole fucking Eiffel Tower
But after, Mardizzle had enough and was done deal with this whole edible adventure, hopefully Nykks early opt out of these things aren't an often occurance (he wanted to quit during the snail thing after the 2nd one, but maybe this time he was just full and I'm being an asshole). His fingers sufficed as a source of the great flavor he just experienced without eating another mountain of messiness.
We anticipated more attention being brought to us because of what we were doing in the resturant, but the couples and 12 party philipino family next to us could give a shit about what three laughing guys with a camera and a pink box were doing.
But that doesn't stop us. We are here to eat, fuck a crowd, that is what this is for--attention! Anyway, Kayn and I were not ready to call it quits and needed a second opinion, from our mouths once again. So...Round 2 SON! You know you wanna see the madness again.
Kayn Shaking (his hand) in anticipation, or maybe a "jerk-off" hand gesture, I forget which one.
Apparently, I do this weird lift-my-eye thing before I take a bite. Check it in both pictures of yo (that's "me" in spanish).
Kayn's a fuggin beast. He snarled after this was taken.
I'm back in LA, so I don't know exactly when another edible adventure will be. The next time I will be back up north is probably thanksgiving, and there is no fucking way I am going to kill my stomach during that time. I live off of various take-out foods and my mom can outcook anyone in anybody's family anyday, which beats the hell out of what I am going to be living off of for the next couple of months...So I am going to play it safe and not ruin that with eating some butterfly eggs (which might be what goes down next).
Brakura out!
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